Trauma and Relationships: When Defence Mechanisms Are Reflected Back
- Dean Harrison - Counselling Psychologist
- Aug 20
- 8 min read
Psychological defences are our brain’s way of shielding us from pain. For trauma survivors, these defences can become finely honed survival tools—like humour masking distress, perfectionism fending off shame, or withdrawal creating safety. But what happens when these unconscious strategies are gently pointed out in a relationship? Learn more about how therapy at iflow Psychology supports trauma survivors in building safer relationships.
Whether in therapy, friendship, or romantic partnership, having one’s defence mechanisms reflected back can be either transformative or destabilising. It all depends on the timing, the context, the emotional safety of the relationship—and the person’s readiness to look within.
Let’s explore what can unfold when defences are mirrored back to someone with trauma, and how we can navigate this process with care and compassion.
1. Initial Reaction: Insight or Threat?
When a defence is named—like “I notice you often use humour when things get intense”—a trauma survivor might either lean into self-reflection or unconsciously activate a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.
Some common initial reactions include:
Defensiveness = a fight response: Protecting the self from perceived blame or shame.
Avoidance or leaving the situation = a flight response: Emotionally or physically distancing to escape discomfort or perceived danger.
Withdrawal/shutdown = a freeze response: The nervous system checks out to avoid emotional overwhelm.
Fawning = a people-pleasing response: Appeasing others to prevent conflict or rejection.
Mood shifts or confusion = signs of emotional dysregulation or internal conflict, often rooted in shame or fear.
These aren’t signs of being “difficult”—they’re survival strategies that once kept the person emotionally safe. Our trauma-informed psychologists in Gladesville can help you explore and regulate these patterns.
However, in emotionally safe and attuned relationships, the same reflection might prompt a moment of curiosity: "Wow, I hadn’t noticed that… maybe I do try to deflect with humour.” This allows for insight and psychological growth.
2. Cognitive Dissonance and Inner Conflict
Psychological defences protect against core emotional wounds—such as shame, helplessness, or fear of abandonment. When these defences are gently reflected or exposed, the person may experience cognitive dissonance: an uncomfortable internal conflict between two opposing drives:
The part that wants to stay protected and maintain emotional control
The part that longs for authentic connection, healing, and relational closeness
This internal tug-of-war can be distressing. The protective part often resists vulnerability, fearing emotional harm or rejection. Meanwhile, the relational part yearns to connect more deeply, but may feel unsafe doing so.
This tension can manifest in ways such as:
Minimisation: “It’s not a big deal.”
Blame or reprojection: “You’re the one being critical.”
Deflection: Changing the subject or intellectualising the issue.
Withdrawal: Pulling away emotionally or physically.
Confusion or stuckness: Feeling paralysed by competing needs.
Without a strong foundation of emotional trust, even the most well-meant reflection can be experienced as a threat rather than support.
3. The Growth Opportunity
When defences are reflected with empathy, attunement, and appropriate timing, the experience can open a doorway to healing. Instead of feeling attacked, the person feels seen—and this can foster:
Insight: “I didn’t realise I do that when I’m anxious.”
Emotional regulation: Learning to sit with discomfort instead of avoiding it.
Increased agency: Recognising there are choices beyond habitual reactions.
Relational repair: "I can see how I pushed you away. I was scared.”
Integration of past and present: Understanding that old survival strategies aren’t always needed in current safe relationships.
This is where repatterning begins: the nervous system learns that it’s possible to stay present, connected, and authentic—even when vulnerable. Over time, this builds resilience, strengthens attachment security, and supports lasting change. Explore our therapy services focused on trauma and attachment.
4. Reflecting Defences: What Therapists Know
In trauma-informed therapy, reflecting a person’s defence mechanisms is not about catching someone out—it’s about gently supporting their self-awareness while prioritising emotional safety. When done without sensitivity, it can feel like criticism or exposure. When done well, it can be the beginning of meaningful healing. Read more about our approach to trauma-informed therapy in Sydney and online.
Here’s how trauma-informed psychologists at iflow Psychology approach this delicate process:
Use a gentle, collaborative tone: The goal is to stay curious, not confrontational. This means softening the language, inviting reflection, and avoiding pathologising labels.
❌ “You’re being avoidant.”
✅ “I wonder if it feels safer to pull back right now—could that be what’s happening?”
Respect the Window of Tolerance: Reflection should never occur when a person is dysregulated (e.g., anxious, overwhelmed, shut down). The nervous system must be settled enough for insight to land safely.
We look for cues like eye contact, breathing patterns, speech pace, and body language to gauge readiness. If the person is outside their Window of Tolerance, we pause and prioritise grounding.
Validate the original survival function: Every defence has a history. Whether it’s avoidance, humour, perfectionism or control—it likely started as a brilliant solution to a threatening situation.
We honour this.
“It makes sense you learned to do that—it probably helped you survive some really tough moments.”
Support insight, not shame: Trauma-informed therapy encourages reflection without judgment. We frame patterns with empathy and compassion, helping the person see not just what they’re doing—but why—and what new options may now be possible.
5. Common Defence Mechanisms in Trauma Survivors
Many people—especially those with a history of trauma—develop unconscious strategies to protect themselves from overwhelming emotions, shame, or relational vulnerability. These psychological defence mechanisms are not signs of dysfunction; they are signs of survival. Our psychologists help clients understand and reshape longstanding patterns through therapy.
You might recognise some of the following:
Avoidance: Avoiding conversations, topics, or even people that feel emotionally threatening.
Examples: Ghosting, procrastinating, or changing the subject when things get serious.
Denial or Minimisation: Downplaying the severity of a situation to avoid pain or shame.
Example: “It wasn’t that bad” or “Other people had it worse.”
Humour Masking Pain: Using sarcasm, jokes, or light-heartedness to deflect from emotional vulnerability.
Example: Making a joke during serious or painful discussions.
Control or Perfectionism: Trying to manage all variables or appear flawless to prevent feeling out of control or “not good enough.”
Examples: Rigid routines, over-preparing, intense self-criticism.
Deflection or Blame: Shifting focus onto others when feeling confronted or exposed.
Example: “You’re just overreacting” or “You made me feel this way.”
Dissociation: Emotionally shutting down or “checking out” when overwhelmed. The person may appear blank, numb, or disconnected.
Note: This is often misread as coldness, laziness, or lack of care.
Triangulation: Involving a third party to express conflict or seek validation, rather than addressing the issue directly.
Example: Asking someone to “pass on a message” or speaking through others in family conflict.
These defences often developed in childhood, toxic relationships, or high-stress environments where direct emotional expression was not safe. In that context, they were adaptive and even protective.
Today, they may no longer serve the person’s goals for intimacy, growth, or connection—but they still deserve to be met with compassion, not judgment.
Trauma-informed therapy helps individuals recognise and gradually reshape these patterns—not by tearing them down, but by honouring why they existed and offering new, safer ways to connect and respond.
6. What if the Survivor is Masking?
One of the trickiest dynamics in trauma-informed work—and relationships—is when someone appears regulated on the outside but is internally dysregulated. For example, a person may:
Smile, nod, or seem open to feedback
Maintain eye contact
Engage in discussion even while tearful
Return to the conversation repeatedly
But beneath the surface, they may be in freeze or fawn—appeasing to avoid rejection or criticism.
This creates perceptual asymmetry: one person believes a conversation is safe and productive, while the other is emotionally shutting down.
The result? What one person sees as “sharing truth,” the other experiences as being blindsided or abandoned.
7. A Clinical Reflection: The Invisible Disconnect
Imagine this: You share honest thoughts with someone you care about. You think it’s a meaningful discussion. They seem responsive—even engaged.
Later, they accuse you of being dysregulated, cold, or attacking. You’re confused. Hurt.
From their side, they may have:
Felt overwhelmed but didn’t show it
Interpreted your words through a trauma lens (“I’m bad, I’m being criticised”)
Disconnected internally (dissociation) while appearing present
This is a classic case of intersubjective misalignment—two different emotional realities in the same moment. Without awareness, these disconnects can reinforce mistrust and shame.
8. So What Helps?
Pacing: Don’t offer too much insight too quickly.
Containment: Use grounding, pauses, and emotional check-ins.
Empathic language: “This makes sense given what you’ve been through.”
Permission: “Would it be okay if I share something I noticed?”
Past–present linking: “This reaction makes sense in light of what you experienced back then.”
The goal isn’t to strip away defences—but to gently offer the option of a new way of being.
Trauma and Relationships: A Shared Healing Journey
Reflecting defence mechanisms in trauma survivors is not about diagnosis or dissection—it’s about compassionately holding a mirror that says: "This protected you once. And maybe you don’t need it all the time anymore.”
In safe, attuned relationships—whether therapeutic or personal—these moments can spark profound healing. But when done without sensitivity, they can recreate old wounds and reinforce isolation.
If you or someone you love is navigating the impact of trauma in relationships, support is available. Working with a trauma-informed psychologist can help unpack these patterns and build the skills needed for healthier, more connected living.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
Speak to a psychologist in Gladesville today. Whether you're navigating relationship challenges, exploring your emotional patterns, or wanting to understand how past trauma may still be impacting your present, our compassionate team is here to support you.
We offer in-person appointments in Gladesville, as well as telehealth psychology services Australia-wide. Private and Medicare-rebated options are available.
Helpful Links from iflow Psychology
References:
American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (4th ed., text rev.). Washington, DC: Author.
Freud, A. (1936). The ego and the mechanisms of defence. London: Hogarth Press.
Granieri, A., La Marca, L., Mannino, G., Giunta, S., Guglielmucci, F., & Schimmenti, A. (2017). The relationship between defense patterns and DSM-5 maladaptive personality domains. Frontiers in Psychology, 8, 1926. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5673655/
Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144–156.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. New York: Guilford Press.
Perry, J. C. (1990). Defense Mechanism Rating Scales (DMRS) manual. Harvard Medical School.
Vaillant, G. E. (1992). Ego mechanisms of defense: A guide for clinicians and researchers. American Psychiatric Press..
Summary / FAQ:
What are psychological defence mechanisms?
They are unconscious strategies used to protect oneself from emotional pain—especially common in trauma survivors.
Why is reflecting them risky?
If not done with care, it can trigger shame, fear, or emotional shutdown.
Can reflecting defences lead to healing?
Yes—if done within a safe, trusting relationship, at the right pace, and with empathy.
What should I do if I’ve hurt someone by reflecting their defences?
Acknowledge the impact, validate their feelings, and seek to repair. It’s a shared journey of learning.
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