Trauma and Relationships: When Surrogate Families Shape Boundaries, Healing, and Agency

The Hidden Influence of Surrogate Families on Trauma

In the aftermath of trauma—especially childhood trauma—our earliest bonds shape how we understand trust, safety, and love. When relationships within the family of origin are fractured, a surrogate family can step in. This might include a partner’s family, foster carers, extended relatives, or even a tight-knit friendship group.

These alternative caregiving environments can offer stability, belonging, and a lifeline for survivors. But when boundaries, supervision, and role-modelling are inconsistent, they can unintentionally complicate recovery. For example, caregivers who permit alcohol or tobacco use by minors, overlook age-inappropriate sexual behaviour, or fail to model respectful communication may normalise unhealthy or unsafe relational patterns.

Research from the Australian Institute of Family Studies (AIFS) demonstrates that parental substance misuse is strongly associated with children’s internalising and externalising behavioural difficulties, and that unstable caregiving environments elevate the risk of poorer psychosocial outcomes. Similarly, Australian out-of-home-care literature highlights that inconsistent boundaries, carer substance use, and communication problems are predictors of long-term difficulties across mental health, behavioural regulation, and substance use domains.

When these conditions exist, they can inadvertently reinforce old wounds rather than support healing — particularly for those already shaped by trauma.

Family of Origin – The Blueprint We Don’t Always See

Our family of origin acts as the psychological blueprint for how we interpret relationships. Even when a person distances themselves physically, emotional patterns often persist. Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1988) suggests that early caregiving experiences—whether nurturing, inconsistent, or neglectful—shape how we relate to intimacy, conflict, and trust in adulthood.

When survivors enter a surrogate family, unresolved wounds may re-emerge. Someone raised in an environment with loose boundaries may naturally gravitate toward families who also avoid setting limits, reinforcing familiar but unhealthy dynamics.

Blurred Boundaries – When Love Lacks Limits

Boundaries form the scaffolding of safe relationships. Without them, people can feel both smothered and abandoned. Within surrogate families, blurred boundaries can include:

• permitting substance use during adolescence

• ignoring or minimising inappropriate sexual relationships (e.g., minors with older partners)

• failing to establish consequences for harmful behaviour

• involving minors in adult conflicts, financial stress, or interpersonal issues

• enabling poor behaviour without guidance or accountability

Boundaries are the scaffolding of safe relationships.

Children and adolescents need developmentally appropriate boundaries to feel safe and to understand expectations. Without this structure, they may experience confusion about safety, self-worth, and autonomy. Some situations may also carry child protection implications, such as housing a minor without legal guardianship. Dysfunctional dynamics in a surrogate family can perpetuate or even exacerbate family trauma.

How This Shapes Trauma Recovery

Trauma recovery relies on consistency, predictability, and the development of effective coping strategies. A surrogate family that provides stability, nurturance, and healthy conflict resolution can be profoundly protective.

When boundaries are absent or inconsistent, survivors may struggle to:

• recognise unsafe behaviours or red flags

• establish trust without becoming overly dependent

• learn emotional regulation strategies

• break entrenched behavioural cycles, such as avoidance, minimising, defensiveness, or people-pleasing

This can result in stalled recovery, where the survivor remains trapped in familiar patterns without realising that healthier alternatives exist.

Stepping Out of the Victim Mentality – Gaining Agency

A “victim mentality” is not about blame — it reflects a psychological state where trauma feels more powerful than personal agency. In some surrogate families, overprotection, enabling behaviours, or chaotic boundaries may unintentionally reinforce this mindset.

Gaining agency involves:

• acknowledging personal responsibility for decisions

• setting and maintaining healthy boundaries

• engaging in therapy to challenge limiting beliefs

• building a support network that encourages growth, not just survival

A Psychologist’s Perspective – Moving Toward Healing

Therapy provides a structured space to understand how family systems — biological and surrogate — shape relational patterns. Clinical work often focuses on:

• exploring how early experiences inform current boundaries

• understanding loyalty conflicts, dependency, and autonomy

• developing communication, emotional regulation, and assertiveness skills

• navigating child protection concerns when minors are involved

Through this process, survivors can move from repeating intergenerational patterns to intentionally creating healthier ones, reclaiming agency and building more resilient relationships.

Call to Action

If you recognise aspects of your own experience in this article, know that change is possible. Reach out to our experienced psychologists in Gladesville for confidential, evidence-based support—available in-person or via telehealth across NSW.