Trauma and Relationships: Psychological Defence Mechanisms How They Protect—and Harm—Our Connections
- Dean Harrison - Counselling Psychologist
- 55 minutes ago
- 11 min read
Trauma and relationships are deeply intertwined. When we’ve experienced emotional wounds—whether in childhood, intimate partnerships, or other significant relationships—our nervous systems adapt to protect us. One way this adaptation shows up is through psychological defence mechanisms—our emotional armour. Like a well-worn breastplate, these strategies protect us from pain, but they can also limit closeness, connection, or repair. Understanding how trauma influences our relational patterns allows us to recognise when this armour is still serving us—and when it’s keeping us from the warmth of connection.
Psychological defences are mental strategies we all use to cope with discomfort, anxiety, or pain. In many ways, they’re essential for navigating life and keeping us safe. But even in safe or potentially healthy relationships, overusing or misusing these defences—like denial, deflection, rage, blame, or triangulation—can prevent resolution, reinforce misunderstanding, and keep us stuck in unhelpful patterns.
Understanding, respecting, and ultimately evolving beyond rigid defences is a critical step toward building more authentic, connected relationships—whether with partners, family, friends, or ourselves.
What Are Psychological Defence Mechanisms?
Psychological defences are unconscious mental operations that help protect us from psychological distress. First described by Sigmund Freud and later expanded by his daughter Anna Freud in The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence (1936), they are now recognised as a normal part of psychological functioning—although not all defences are created equal. Some are adaptive and flexible, while others are rigid and reactive, often creating more problems than they solve.
While defence mechanisms are not formally classified in the DSM-5, they were recognised in the DSM-IV-TR under the section on personality disorders and defence functioning. The DSM-IV’s Axis II Appendix provided examples of common defences and discussed their relevance to personality patterns and mental health. Although omitted from the DSM-5’s structural format, psychological defences remain central to contemporary clinical practice and are referenced in psychodynamic formulations, trauma-informed therapy, and structured assessment tools such as the Defense Mechanism Rating Scales (DMRS).
Research has consistently shown that the types of defences we use are closely linked to our emotional health and relationship patterns. For example, Granieri et al. (2017) investigated the link between psychological defence mechanisms and maladaptive personality traits as defined by the Alternative DSM-5 Model for Personality Disorders (Section III). Using a sample of 328 adults, they assessed participants on both defence mechanisms (ranging from mature to immature) and maladaptive personality domains (negative affectivity, detachment, antagonism, disinhibition, and psychoticism).
Their key findings were:
Immature defences (e.g., denial, projection, acting out) predicted higher scores across all maladaptive personality domains.
Mature defences (e.g., humour, suppression, sublimation) were associated with healthier personality functioning.
Specific defence patterns predicted particular maladaptive traits (e.g., antagonism, disinhibition).
The study supports the view that defence patterns are fundamental to personality development and psychopathology. While these defences may shield us from pain in the short term, over-reliance on immature strategies can quietly erode relationships, hinder personal growth, and limit our sense of agency.
The Functional Importance of Defence Mechanisms
Defences serve a protective function, especially when we’re feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, or threatened. They help us:
Maintain emotional stability
Avoid unbearable thoughts or feelings
Preserve self-esteem
Prevent relational breakdown (in the short term)
However, when defences become rigid, chronic, or unconscious, they can block growth, distort reality, and hinder communication—even in supportive environments.
Vaillant’s Hierarchy: Ranking Defence Mechanisms
Psychiatrist George Vaillant categorised defences into four levels, from the most primitive to the most mature:
Level | Type | Examples | Description | Impact on Mental Health & Relationships |
I | Psychotic | Delusional projection, denial of reality, psychotic distortion | These defences involve a complete break from reality. | Rare outside of severe mental illness (e.g., schizophrenia); can make relationships and daily functioning extremely difficult. |
II | Immature | Denial, projection, passive aggression, fantasy, acting out, hypochondriasis | Unconscious strategies that avoid dealing with reality or emotional pain directly. | Common under stress; may create misunderstandings, blame-shifting, and distance in relationships; can block emotional growth. |
III | Neurotic | Repression, displacement, reaction formation, intellectualisation, rationalisation | Protects from anxiety by distorting or avoiding aspects of reality. | Can help maintain day-to-day stability but limits self-awareness; may cause recurring conflicts or stress in relationships. |
IV | Mature | Humour, sublimation, suppression, altruism, anticipation | Conscious or semi-conscious strategies that manage emotions constructively. | Promote resilience, empathy, and intimacy; linked to healthier coping and stronger relationship satisfaction. |
Common Defences That May Block Healthy Connection
Let’s explore some common defences, how they function, and how they might limit connection—even in well-meaning relationships.
🔴 Primitive or Immature Defences
Denial: “There’s no problem here.” Avoids pain by refusing to acknowledge reality.
Deflection: Uses humour or distraction to avoid uncomfortable emotions.
Triangulation: Involves a third party to express conflict (e.g., asking someone else to convey an issue).
Blame: Projects responsibility onto others—“It’s your fault.”
Control: Tries to manage uncertainty by directing people or outcomes.
Minimisation: Downplays emotional impact—“It wasn’t a big deal.”
Rage/Dysregulation: Overwhelms the conversation with intense emotion.
Masking: Hides one’s real feelings to present a “safe” version of self.
These patterns are often developed early as survival strategies—but may no longer be helpful in current relationships.
🟠 Neurotic Defences
Avoidance: Evades people or topics that feel emotionally charged.
Lack of assertiveness: Suppresses personal needs or emotions to avoid conflict.
Displacement: Redirects emotion (e.g., frustration at work taken out on a partner).
These strategies can reduce conflict short-term but often lead to disconnection or resentment in the long run.
🟢 Mature Defences
Humour: Lightens the mood while staying emotionally present.
Sublimation: Channels strong feelings into art, work, or physical activity.
Suppression: Consciously chooses when to process distressing feelings.
Altruism: Supports others as a way of finding personal meaning.
These are flexible, prosocial strategies that foster resilience and deeper connection.
How Do Defence Mechanisms Develop?
Defence mechanisms often take root in childhood as adaptive responses to stress, unmet emotional needs, or overwhelming situations. They can be shaped by a person’s family of origin, cultural norms, and early relationships. In healthy environments, these coping strategies can be flexible and evolve over time. In less supportive or traumatic environments, they may become rigid and limiting.
For example:
A child who was frequently criticised may learn to deflect vulnerability through humour, masking hurt to avoid rejection.
Someone raised in a chaotic or unpredictable home might develop a strong need for control to feel safe.
A young person who experienced emotional neglect might withdraw or avoid closeness to prevent further pain.
A teenager who grew up in a family where emotional expression was discouraged may rely on intellectualising rather than sharing feelings.
In the short term, these defences can help protect emotional stability. Over time, however, they often become automatic habits. Without self-reflection and psychological insight, they may block the openness, trust, and emotional flexibility needed for healthy adult relationships. Recognising these patterns is the first step toward replacing rigid, self-protective strategies with more adaptive and empowering ways of relating.
How Defence Mechanisms Are Maintained
Once established, defence mechanisms can be surprisingly resilient. They are often reinforced through repeated experiences, making them feel like second nature. People may not even realise they are using them—especially if these patterns have been present since childhood or are rewarded in their environment.
Defences tend to persist when they:
Offer short-term emotional relief – For example, avoiding a difficult conversation can temporarily reduce anxiety, even if it leads to greater conflict later.
Prevent vulnerability – Keeping emotions guarded may feel safer than risking rejection, particularly for those with a history of trauma or betrayal.
Are modelled in family or workplace cultures – Growing up in a household where anger was suppressed or humour was used to deflect pain can normalise these strategies. The same is true in professional settings where emotional openness is discouraged.
Remain unconscious or unchallenged – Without opportunities for reflection, feedback, or therapy, these behaviours may operate on “autopilot.”
It’s important to remember that defence mechanisms are not inherently “bad.” In fact, they can serve as important psychological tools for navigating stress. Problems arise when they become rigid and unexamined, limiting a person’s ability to grow, connect, and adapt. Self-awareness—and in some cases professional support—can help individuals recognise when a once-helpful coping style is now blocking deeper intimacy and personal development.
When to Respect (and Gently Challenge) Defences
Defence mechanisms exist for a reason. At some point in a person’s life, they were the best available strategy for staying safe—psychologically, emotionally, or even physically. For trauma survivors in particular, these patterns often developed in response to overwhelming stress, abuse, or neglect.
Because of this, the goal in therapy—or in any supportive relationship—is not to “tear down” defences, but to approach them with curiosity, compassion, and respect.
Respect the role they’ve played in survival – A client’s tendency to withdraw during conflict, for instance, may once have protected them from explosive anger or violence. Acknowledging this history validates their lived experience.
Gently explore their current usefulness – Together, you can reflect on whether a defence still serves a positive purpose or whether it’s now creating distance, misunderstanding, or missed opportunities for connection.
Support the transition toward more adaptive strategies – Change is easier when new coping skills feel safe, familiar, and attainable. This might involve practicing assertive communication, emotion regulation, or self-compassion.
Evidence-based therapies—such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)—can provide a structured, supportive framework for this work. These approaches help individuals build emotional safety, increase self-awareness, and experiment with new ways of relating, all while honouring the protective strategies that got them this far.
By balancing respect with gentle challenge, we create a bridge between survival strategies and thriving strategies—helping people not just protect themselves, but also fully engage in healthier, more satisfying relationships.
Attachment and Defences: A Deeper Layer
Our attachment style—the blueprint we form in early relationships—often shapes the defence mechanisms we rely on in adulthood. These patterns are not fixed, but they can feel deeply ingrained, especially for those with a history of trauma.
Avoidant Attachment – People with avoidant tendencies may rely on minimisation, withdrawal, or emotional suppression. This can look like staying “busy” to avoid intimacy, shutting down during conflict, or keeping feelings tightly guarded. While these strategies reduce vulnerability, they can also block the closeness and trust they secretly long for.
Anxious Attachment – Those with an anxious style may over-function in relationships, try to control outcomes, or have emotional outbursts when they fear abandonment. These reactions are often driven by a deep need for reassurance, yet they can unintentionally push others away.
Disorganised Attachment – Rooted in experiences where safety and danger were intertwined, this style can lead to unpredictable responses—swinging between warmth and withdrawal, or between shutdown and rage. These shifts can be confusing for both the person and those around them.
Therapy provides a space to gently uncover these patterns, explore the defences that sustain them, and develop healthier relational responses. Over time, individuals can learn to balance self-protection with openness—creating relationships that feel safe, secure, and mutually supportive.
Cultural and Neurodiversity Considerations
Defence mechanisms don’t exist in a vacuum—they’re shaped by the social, cultural, and neurological contexts we live in. What might look like “avoidance” or “emotional distance” in one context could be entirely normal or even valued in another.
Cultural influences – In some cultures, indirect communication, stoicism, or emotional suppression are considered signs of strength, respect, or maturity. In others, open emotional expression is encouraged as a marker of authenticity and trust. Without cultural awareness, a behaviour could be misinterpreted as defensive when it’s actually an expected social norm.
Neurodiversity – For neurodivergent individuals, particularly autistic people, masking—consciously or unconsciously camouflaging one’s natural responses—can be a powerful protective strategy. While masking can help navigate social environments, it often comes at a personal cost, such as exhaustion, anxiety, or a sense of disconnection from one’s authentic self. Recognising this as an adaptive response rather than a “deficit” is crucial in supporting wellbeing.
By approaching defences with cultural humility and neurodiversity awareness, we move from snap judgments to compassionate curiosity. This shift allows us to see the intention behind the behaviour, making it easier to build trust and support healthier, more adaptive coping strategies.
A Quick Self-Check: Are You Using a Defence?
Sometimes the easiest way to spot our defence mechanisms is to pause and reflect on how we handle emotionally charged moments. Consider the following questions:
Do you avoid uncomfortable conversations, hoping the tension will simply pass?
Do you crack a joke when you feel emotionally exposed or uncertain?
Do you find yourself trying to control outcomes—or even people—so you don’t feel at risk?
Do you get angry, irritated, or defensive when you feel vulnerable?
Do you struggle to express your needs or emotions clearly?
If several of these sound familiar, it’s worth asking yourself whether your current coping strategies are protecting you—or quietly holding you back. Remember, defence mechanisms aren’t “bad” in themselves, but left unexamined, they can keep you from building the closeness, trust, and mutual respect you want in your relationships.
Working with a trauma-informed psychologist in Gladesville or via telehealth can help you recognise your patterns, understand where they came from, and experiment with healthier ways of connecting. Over time, this awareness can lead to more genuine communication, stronger relationships, and a deeper sense of agency in your life.
Building Healthier Alternatives
While defence mechanisms can feel automatic, they’re not fixed. With awareness and practice, you can develop more adaptive ways of coping that strengthen both your emotional health and your relationships.
Insight – Self-reflection is the first step toward change. This might involve journaling, exploring your inner world in therapy, or having open, honest conversations with trusted people.
Assertiveness – Learning to calmly express your needs and boundaries helps you feel respected and reduces the need to withdraw or overcompensate.
Regulation skills – Techniques like grounding exercises, deep breathing, and mindfulness help you stay present and respond rather than react.
Attachment repair – Rebuilding trust through safe, consistent, and attuned relationships can soften the need for old survival strategies.
Mutual accountability – Healthy connections grow when both parties share responsibility for communication and repair, rather than slipping into blame or avoidance.
These aren’t “quick fixes”—they’re practices. Over time, they can help you replace automatic, protective responses with intentional choices that align with your values and strengthen your connections.
Summary: From Protection to Connection
Psychological defences are a natural part of being human. They often begin as vital survival tools—helping us cope with stress, conflict, or unmet emotional needs. But as life changes, it’s worth asking: Is this defence still helping me, or is it keeping me at a safe distance from the very connection I want?
By recognising our patterns, we can start to choose responses that are intentional rather than automatic. Therapy offers a safe space to gently explore these defences, understand where they came from, and practise healthier ways of relating.
When we replace rigid self-protection with emotional openness, we give ourselves the chance to build trust, deepen intimacy, and feel more secure in our relationships—both with others and with ourselves.
FAQ: Psychological Defences in Relationships
Q: Are all defence mechanisms bad?
A: Not at all. Many defences are adaptive and help us navigate challenges effectively. The key is flexibility—being able to use them when they’re helpful, and adapt or let them go when they’re no longer serving you.
Q: Can defences change over time?
A: Yes. With self-awareness, therapeutic support, and safe relationships, people can gradually replace rigid, protective habits with more connected, intentional ways of responding.
Q: How do I know if I’m using a defence?
A: If a reaction feels automatic, out of proportion to the situation, or leaves you feeling disconnected from yourself or others, it may be a defence at work.
Need Help Navigating Defences in Your Relationships?
Speak to a psychologist in Gladesville, Sydney, today. At iflow Psychology, we offer a warm, evidence-based space to explore these patterns and create new pathways for connection and resilience.
We offer in-person sessions in Gladesville, Sydney, and telehealth services across Sydney and Australia.
📍 Located in Gladesville – near the Inner West and Northern Suburbs
Trauma and Relationships: Laying Down the Armour
When we’ve experienced trauma—whether obvious or subtle—our defences are often shaped by that history. They become our armour, helping us survive emotionally painful moments. But healing and growth require us to ask: Can I begin to lay down this armour in safe relationships?
Therapy offers a space to explore these questions, gently untangle past wounds from present patterns, and build new ways of relating that honour both our need for protection and our longing for connection.
🔗Links:
References
Freud, A. (1936). The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence. London: Hogarth Press.
Granieri, A., La Marca, L., Mannino, G., Giunta, S., Guglielmucci, F., & Schimmenti, A. (2017). The relationship between defense patterns and DSM-5 maladaptive personality domains. Frontiers in Psychology, 8, 1926. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01926
Vaillant, G. E. (1992). Ego Mechanisms of Defense: A Guide for Clinicians and Researchers. American Psychiatric Press.
Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144–156.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. New York: Guilford Press.
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