When Apologies Come Through Someone Else: Understanding Triangulation in Relationships

# Understanding Triangulation in Relationships: A Guide to Healthier Communication

As psychologists working with clients across Gladesville, Inner West Sydney, and telehealth settings across Australia, we frequently see how indirect communication like this can reflect deeper emotional patterns. Let’s explore what this behaviour — known as *triangulation* — might mean, and how to respond constructively.

What is Triangulation?

Triangulation refers to a relational pattern where a third person is brought into a two-person conflict or emotional dynamic. This term originates from Bowen’s Family Systems Theory, which describes how individuals in a tense relationship may involve a third party to reduce anxiety, gain support, or shift responsibility.

While it may seem harmless at first (or even helpful), triangulation tends to create more confusion and can destabilise relationships rather than heal them.

When communication breaks down, emotional distance and silent alliances can form. Triangulation often begins where direct dialogue ends and apologies are needed.

Why Do People Use a Third Party for Apologies?

1. Avoidance or Discomfort With Direct Conflict

The individual requesting an apology through someone else may feel:

• Uncomfortable with assertiveness or perceived confrontation

• Vulnerable or anxious about rejection

• Unskilled in assertive communication

  
  

Implication: This often reflects emotional avoidance. Rather than engaging directly, the person creates a buffer — usually a mutual friend or family member — to manage the emotional load.

2. Power and Control Dynamics

At times, using a third party can be an attempt to:

• Exert pressure without open dialogue

• Maintain a narrative that positions them as the “injured party”

• Avoid accountability for their own role in the conflict

  
  

Implication: This may come across as passive-aggressive or manipulative. It can damage trust and leave others feeling coerced or trapped in someone else’s emotional conflict.

3. A Classic Triangle: Bowen’s Systems Theory

Bowen observed that anxiety in relationships often leads to “triangles” — not just love triangles, but emotional ones. This is especially true in families and close relationships.

Implication: Triangulation may ease tension temporarily, but it:

• Prevents the original two people from resolving the issue

• Puts the third person in a no-win situation where they feel their loyalties are split

• Can create long-term relational strain

  
  

4. Perceived Moral Superiority or Victimhood

Sometimes, the person demanding an apology feels:

• Morally justified

• Deeply wronged

• Entitled to reparation, without acknowledging mutual contributions to the conflict

  
  

Implication: This black-and-white thinking blocks mutual understanding. It externalises responsibility and can hinder growth and repair.

5. Lack of Emotional Maturity or Relational Skills

Individuals who triangulate may not know how to:

• Initiate healthy conflict resolution

• Express emotional needs directly

• Set or respect boundaries

  
  

Implication: Rather than viewing this as manipulative, it can be helpful to see it as a skills gap — and an opportunity for personal growth and therapy.

Triangulation and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Triangulation is particularly common in individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This isn’t because they are manipulative — but because they often struggle with:

• Fear of abandonment

• Black-and-white thinking (splitting)

• Emotional dysregulation

• Unstable self-image and relational roles

  
  

For example, someone might idealise one person (e.g., a therapist) while devaluing another (e.g., a parent or partner), setting up an emotional triangle that reinforces dependency and instability.

Clinical implication: Triangulation may offer short-term relief from anxiety but undermines long-term emotional regulation and trust.

Examples of Triangulation in Everyday Life

• Friendship conflict: You hear from a mutual friend that someone is upset with you — but they never spoke to you directly.

• Family disputes: One sibling is asked to “talk to” another on behalf of a parent.

• Couples therapy: A partner says, “Tell them how much they’ve hurt me,” to the therapist, instead of speaking directly.

  
  

Healthier Alternatives to Triangulation

Encourage and model these instead:

• Use of “I” statements – “I felt hurt when…” instead of indirect accusations.

• Respectful direct communication – Even if it feels hard.

• Professional facilitation – Mediators or psychologists (not mutual friends or family) can help navigate difficult conversations ethically and effectively.

• Understanding mutual contributions – Conflict is rarely one-sided.

• Accountability - All parties should acknowledge and take responsibility for their contribution to the issues.

  
  

What Should the Third Party Do?

If you find yourself in the middle, pause and reflect:

• Is this your role?

• Have both parties given informed consent for you to mediate?

• Can you set a boundary and gently encourage direct communication instead?

  
  

Therapists, in particular, must be mindful of not being drawn into emotional triangles. This is especially important when working with clients with BPD, unresolved trauma, or interpersonal conflict.

Summary

When someone demands an apology through a third party, it’s usually a sign of emotional avoidance, difficulty with direct communication, or a desire to control the narrative. Triangulation might arise from fear, shame, or lack of relational skills — not necessarily from malice.

The key is recognising the pattern and gently shifting towards direct, respectful, and compassionate communication. In therapy, this may involve practicing assertiveness, emotional regulation, and developing a secure sense of self.

Need Help Navigating Relationship Conflict?

Our experienced psychologists in Gladesville work with individuals and couples to address communication breakdowns, emotional regulation, and relational trauma. We offer in-person and telehealth psychology across Sydney and Australia.

Book a Medicare-rebated, WorkCover, private, or NDIS appointment today.

FAQs

Is triangulation always manipulative? No. Triangulation is often unconscious and stems from emotional insecurity or a lack of skills, not necessarily intentional manipulation.

How do I respond if someone triangulates me? Set kind but firm boundaries. Encourage the original parties to talk directly and consider suggesting professional help if the conflict persists.

Can triangulation be resolved in therapy? Yes. Therapeutic approaches such as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and Family Systems Therapy are designed to address relational patterns like triangulation.

References

Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson.

Kernberg, O. F. (1984). Severe Personality Disorders: Psychotherapeutic Strategies. Yale University Press.

Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.

Australian Psychological Society. (n.d.). Understanding relationships and communication

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