Defence Mechanisms in Relationships: How Trauma Shapes Emotional Patterns

Trauma and Relationships: Understanding the Interconnection

Trauma and relationships are deeply intertwined. When we experience emotional wounds—whether in childhood, intimate partnerships, or other significant relationships—our nervous systems adapt to protect us.

One of the primary ways this adaptation occurs is through defence mechanisms (also spelled defense mechanisms), which are unconscious psychological strategies used to reduce anxiety, emotional pain, or internal conflict.

Common examples include:

• Denial

• Projection

• Minimisation

• Intellectualisation

• Displacement

While these strategies can reduce distress in the short term, over-reliance on them can create misunderstanding, distance, and recurring conflict in relationships.

Like emotional armour, defence mechanisms protect us from pain—but they can also block closeness and repair.

Emotional protection can feel necessary — but sometimes it creates distance.

Psychological defences are mental strategies we all use to cope with discomfort, anxiety, or pain. In many ways, they’re essential for navigating life and keeping us safe. However, even in safe or potentially healthy relationships, overusing or misusing these defences—like denial, deflection, rage, blame, or triangulation—can prevent resolution, reinforce misunderstanding, and keep us stuck in unhelpful patterns.

Understanding, respecting, and ultimately evolving beyond rigid defences is a critical step toward building more authentic, connected relationships—whether with partners, family, friends, or ourselves.

What Are Defence Mechanisms?

Psychological defence mechanisms are unconscious mental operations that protect us from overwhelming feelings, shame, fear, or threat.

First described by Sigmund Freud and expanded by Anna Freud in The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence (1936), defence mechanisms are now recognised as a normal part of psychological functioning. Not all defences are equal, however. Some are flexible and adaptive; others become rigid and self-limiting.

Although defence mechanisms are not formally classified in the DSM-5, they remain central to psychodynamic theory, trauma-informed therapy, and structured clinical assessment tools such as the Defense Mechanism Rating Scales (DMRS).

Research suggests that patterns of defence use are strongly linked to personality functioning and relational health. For example, Granieri et al. (2017) found that immature defences predicted maladaptive personality traits, while mature defences were associated with healthier functioning and relational stability.

In short, defence mechanisms shape how we relate—not just how we cope.

Vaillant’s Hierarchy: Ranking Defence Mechanisms

Psychiatrist George Vaillant categorised defences into four levels, from least adaptive to most adaptive:

Level	Type	Examples	Relational Impact
I	Psychotic	Delusional projection	Break from reality
II	Immature	Denial, projection, acting out, passive aggression.	Conflict, blame, emotional distance (common under stress)
III	Neurotic	Repression, displacement, rationalisation, intellectualisation.	Preserve stability but limit emotional insight.
IV	Mature	Humour, sublimation, suppression, altruism, anticipation.	Associated with resilience, intimacy, and psychological flexibility.

Common Defence Mechanisms in Relationships

Let’s explore some common defences, how they function, and how they might limit connection—even in well-meaning relationships.

🔴 Immature Defences

• Denial – Refusing to acknowledge relational problems.

• Projection – Attributing one’s own feelings or impulses to another person.

• Minimisation – Downplaying emotional harm.

• Triangulation – Involving third parties to manage conflict.

• Blame – Externalising responsibility.

• Rage or emotional dysregulation – Escalating intensity to regain control.

These strategies often originate in survival contexts but may now block trust and repair.

🟠 Neurotic Defences

• Avoidance – Evading emotionally charged conversations.

• Displacement – Redirecting frustration to safer targets.

• Intellectualisation – Explaining feelings instead of experiencing them.

They reduce anxiety short term but can create emotional distance.

🟢 Mature Defences

• Humour – Lightening tension without denying emotion.

• Suppression – Choosing when to process distress.

• Sublimation – Channeling emotion into constructive activity.

• Altruism – Finding meaning through supporting others.

These promote emotional regulation and relational resilience.

How Trauma Shapes Defence Mechanisms

Defences often develop in childhood as adaptive responses to:

• Emotional neglect

• Chronic criticism

• Unpredictable environments

• Suppressed emotional expression

For example:

• A child criticised frequently may use humour to mask vulnerability.

• Someone raised in chaos may rely heavily on control.

• Emotional neglect may lead to withdrawal or avoidance of closeness.

• A teenager discouraged from emotional expression may intellectualise instead of share feelings.

Defence mechanisms often develop in response to chronic stress or anxiety, and some individuals benefit from anxiety support to strengthen emotional regulation skills.

Over time, these protective strategies become automatic. Without reflection, they may continue operating long after the original threat has passed.

Attachment Patterns and Defences

Attachment style often shapes which defences we rely on.

• Avoidant attachment may involve minimisation, suppression, and withdrawal.

• Anxious attachment may involve control, emotional escalation, or hypervigilance.

• Disorganised attachment may involve rapid shifts between closeness and distance.

These patterns often emerge in adult relationships and may benefit from structured relationship counselling. Therapy can help identify these patterns and develop safer relational responses.

Cultural and Neurodiversity Considerations

Not all emotional restraint is defensive.

Cultural norms may value indirect communication or stoicism. Neurodivergent individuals—particularly autistic people—may rely on masking as a protective strategy in social environments.

Understanding context prevents pathologising adaptive behaviour.

A Quick Self-Check

You may be relying on a defence mechanism if:

• Your reaction feels automatic or disproportionate.

• Conflict leaves you feeling disconnected.

• You avoid vulnerability repeatedly.

• Conversations escalate quickly or shut down completely.

Self-awareness is the beginning of change.

Building Healthier Alternatives

Replacing rigid defences involves:

• Developing emotional insight

• Practising assertive communication

• Learning regulation skills

• Repairing attachment wounds

• Building safe, consistent relational experiences

These changes occur gradually. They are practices, not quick fixes.

From Protection to Connection

Defence mechanisms are not inherently negative. They are often intelligent adaptations to difficult circumstances.

The question is not whether you use them—but whether they still serve you.

By increasing awareness and flexibility, it becomes possible to shift from automatic protection toward intentional connection.

If you would like structured, evidence-based support in understanding relational patterns shaped by trauma, working with a registered psychologist through trauma-informed therapy can provide a safe and reflective space.

FAQ: Defence Mechanisms in Relationships

What are defence mechanisms?

Defence mechanisms are unconscious psychological strategies that reduce emotional distress or internal conflict. While protective in the short term, rigid use can interfere with relational closeness.

What is projection as a defence mechanism?

Projection occurs when a person attributes their own unwanted thoughts or feelings to someone else. In relationships, this may appear as blame or criticism that reflects internal distress rather than external behaviour.

Projection is one of the most commonly discussed defence mechanisms in relationships.

Are all defence mechanisms unhealthy?

No. Mature defences such as humour and suppression are associated with psychological resilience. Problems arise when defences become rigid, unconscious, or maladaptive.

Can defence mechanisms change?

Yes. With self-awareness and therapeutic support, individuals can gradually replace rigid survival strategies with more flexible, relationally healthy responses.

References

• Freud, A. (1936). The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence. London: Hogarth Press.

• Granieri, A., La Marca, L., Mannino, G., Giunta, S., Guglielmucci, F., & Schimmenti, A. (2017). The relationship between defense patterns and DSM-5 maladaptive personality domains. Frontiers in Psychology, 8, 1926. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01926

• Vaillant, G. E. (1992). Ego Mechanisms of Defense: A Guide for Clinicians and Researchers. American Psychiatric Press.

• Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144–156.

• Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. New York: Guilford Press.

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